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'Oh God You're Not Marrying Her?' sympathy-o-gram available for hire. Great fun for stag do's and funerals alike. First 100 bookings also receive a free mail order Thai / Bridlington bride. |
Surplus Lyrics Available. Both complete songs and individual chorus and verses. Very cheap and ideal for a quick pop comeback. Also available, two drum loops, one hip hop and the other slightly rockabilly. Call for a quote. |
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Toothbrush for Sale. Electronic toothbrush for sale, cleans the teeth much faster than a regular toothbrush.
Alternative uses include clitorial stimulation and foreskin polishing. Only £5 - good quality but slightly salty tase. |
Lack of Interest Society National society in support of being disinterested wishes to NOT give several the following items. - Flying Fucks
- Rat's Arses
- Monkeys's
- shits
If anyone is disinterested do not contact us on whatever. |
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Employment Opportunity!! Small but thriving IT firm requires Asian male to satisfy equal oppertunities policy, good benefits and rate of pay, just don't touch anything ok! contact John Davis at: J.Davis@WhiteIT.com |
Looking for friendship 10 year old girl seeks similar aged girls and boys to come round to play. I'm into small dollies and cartoons. If anyone is interested please contact me at: dave@daves.timbermerchants.com |
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Microphone for sale. State of the art hyper cardiod microphone - Only £15 Good quility and in good condition. Alternative uses include female masturbation or a last minute, stand in cameo role as the late Richard Pryor. |
Peppers for sale Peck of peppers for sale, all freshly picked and pickled. £10 for the lot - call Peter Piper on 0208 353673 |
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Man With a Plan I've got one, have you? |
Chavs required Local council requires chavs to occupy counsil housing, deal class B drugs and damage the bus stop on Friday evenings. |
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Alias Required Known pedophile requires new screen name to avoid police detection. Please send any suggestions to: jellybaby_lucy@yahoo.co.uk |
FOR SALE Cleanliness and Godliness. Both must go as they are not sitting well together, £25 both or £13 ea. |
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WHISTLE while you wank, new instructional DVD collection guaranteed to brighten up those most personal of moments. Slight stain on disc 12 but should come out nicely with a wet wipe. £12.50 for the lot. |
ITEMS REQUIRED. Single man desperately seeks following items. Reverse vacuum cleaner, water based lubricant, 6 egg whites, gloss
varnished toothpicks, 3 cans of WD40 and a 6 inch long ivory sculpture of the
great Winston Churchill. Cash waiting, one question, nothing personal.
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SEEKING PARTNER Homosexual male seeks similar minded male companion, for sex up the bum and Harry Potter videos. |
WANTED A Poo. Back in ten minutes.
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12 DAYS of Christmas for sale. £10 ono. May consider p/ex for Easter Weekend. |
SCISSORS WANTED. To cut fairly thick rope. Cash ready, must be willing to deliver. I have accidentally hung myself to some extent so a sense of urgency would be appreciated. |
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HALF EATEN SANDWICH 50 pence or nearest offer. Beef and tomato, unfinished lunch. Was very nice but just had large breakfast. Would suit someone with small appetite. |
FANNY MAGNET Is she or is she not pierced? Now you too can find out using this discreet magnetic device. Also handy for removing iron filings from the gaps between kitchen tiles. £30 o.n.o |
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REFRIED BEANS For sale. Good condition: eaten, excreted and refried for extra-thick textured wind potential. 80p/bean. No timewasters please. |
CLOSET HOMEOWNER seeks discrete lady with a length, to explain/demonstrate the basics of intense interior design. Skilled in the kitchen: especially salad tossing and teabag manipulation. Healthy interest in music, including bagpipes preferred. |
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EVIL DEAD MINI FRIDGE. Portable fridge capable of holding six cans or one hedgehog corpse. In the style of the Evil Dead films and proclaims 'Hail to the king baby' every time its opened. Must sell, very annoying. £30 ono |
FREDDIE MERCURY BOARD GAME. Guaranteed to make you go Radio Ga-Ga. Up to four players compete to get to the end of the board by rolling the dice and reciting well known Queen lyrics. Missing Brian May piece, hence £10. |
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LYNDEN B JOHNSON commemmorative toilet seat. Stainless steel, only 200 in existence. Slight splash damage but, otherwise, vgc. Recent eviction forces sale. £75. |
I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS NOT MEATLOAF. Very rare Beatles tribute CD performed by the one and only Chesney Hawks. Has nothing to do with Meatloaf, hence title. £15. |
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COMMODORE AMIGA COMPUTER. State of the art computer that will one day be bigger than the PC. I know this because Amiga Action told me so. Must sell as Apple Mac is taking up too much room, therefore £280 o.n.o. Would also make good doorstop. |
1989 NISSAN SUNNY RS COSWORTH. Rare genuine crossbreed car. Figure mistakes were made at factory or car was modified by previous moron owner. 102k miles, sunroof, alloys ("Classified", "", 3), sun visor, go-slower stripes and a three-tier bookshelp strapped to the bootlid. Real chuckler. £400 |
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BLONDE BIMBO girlfriend for sale. Would suit lonely middleage virgin or anyone deaf. Unwanted present. Remember, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. £69 |
CATTLE AFTERBIRTH for sale. They have all just started dropping sprogs like something out of a B-Movie so I have shitloads of the stuff. Good with chips. £neg. |
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TRENDY 'FUCK' T-SHIRT. £11. Rare misprint. |
DELROY LINDO GRILL. If George Foreman can do it, so can Delroy! £26.99 ea. Call and ask for Derek. |
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SOMEBODY stole my hat and I want it back. I think it was a cat. |
AWESOME BOX for sale. Put things in it for that truly awesome look. Also available, awesome gloves and awesome dog worming tablets. Open to offers. |
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OSAMA BIN LADEN MUG. Now you too can drink from the head of the worlds most wanted man. Keeps trying to blow up greenhouse and has declared jihad on the fridge so must go. Hence £10. |
SCOTCH EGG DESIGN KIT. Aimed at children aged 5-10 but will quite easily hit and maim teenagers and young adults too. £2.50 o.n.o. |
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FOUR BEDROOM sandwich dispenser. £60,000. Slight mix-up with architects blueprints suspected. |
JOHN CARPENTERS DOORHANDLES. I nicked them and he wants them back, all offers considered. |
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WEAPONS OF SELF MASTURBATION. Best to get rid of them quick as spelling mistake in last advert started a war. Call and ask for Saddam. |
COLLECTORS' EDITIONS Rare adult entertainment magazines. Opening issues of the following:
Treasures of Thailand (Issues 1-7), Water Butt
(1, 3 & 4) Tots to Teens (2-19), The Vinyl Frontier (3 & 8) and Big Time
Charlies (1-3). Duplicate copies, bought abroad.
£17/Issue ONO. |
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UNQUALIFIED MECHANIC seeks anyone with interest in axle grease to regularly skim the head. Old gasket gone, leaving engine prone to overheating and excess discharge. Suitable applicants, with previous experience, should call and I'll book you in for sometime next week. |
MANY GIRLS WANTED for brief encounters with charming senior executive. Own Ferrari, penthouse appt., Maldives villa, jacuzzi all available for regular visitors. GCSE students preferred, small boys accepted if situation demands. Drug addiction advised but non-essential. |
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WEAR YOUR PETS, the home clothes making kit. Now you don't have to throw away all that excess fur your cat, dog or goose leaves, but instead make a lovely scarf or hat from it. 'Wear your Trash' and 'Wear your Relatives' kits also available. Call for more info. |
WANTED. Top nosh or touchable substitute. Cash waiting for the right individual. No timewasters or tyre kickers please. |
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THE EDWARD SCISSORHANDS home glassblowing kit. Make your own lopsided accident-waiting-to-happens and give them to people as gifts. £42.00 |
KILLER INSTINCT 'in a can. Ever felt like you just don't have the ruthless attitude you need for todays uptown world? Then you need this stuff! £2.50 per can. Dodgy distributors also wanted. Must own Capri.' |
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