Bored at your local boozer?  Run out of stuff to do?  Maybe the fruit machine’s on the fritz or they’ve simply run out of the obscure tweed & lemon flavour crisps you’ve become so fond of recently.  Either way, you’re at a lose end .. but don’t fret, there’s a simple solution to your problem.  Why not have a bit of a fight!  After all, people in this country have been entertaining themselves in this manner for centuries.  Anybody can get in a punch up though, but only a few true masters can do it with a real finesse.  Remember, it’s not about who wins or loses, its about what they tell the police afterwards…

PREPARATION

Now its far from necessary to be the worlds greatest fighter, in fact you don’t even need to have ever been in a fight to partake in a pub punch up. The key to a successful brawl is in the preparation, and as any mad bearded survivalist type will tell you, the best way to do this is to use the most readily available thing to aid you. You’re in a bar, what’s the most readily available thing? Alcohol. Its not rocket science!

Yep, get bladdered. As a rule of thumb the more wasted you are, the less pain you will feel and the more confident you will be. Generally though you don’t want to get to the falling down stage as spectators may accuse you later of taking a dive. A good curry or kebab beforehand is always a plus too as you’d be surprised at just how much of a crowd pleaser regurgitated chunks of chicken madras mixed with a few pints of non-specific lager really is when your projecting it into you’re opponents face.

If you’re short of cash though it may be an idea to get plastered before you go to the bar to minimise on costs. For this we suggest our own home made cocktail as listed below:

THE JENNIE BOND
(It looks a bit posh and you’d really regret drinking it)

Take one manly pint glass or brass tankard (for vikings and country folk) and fill with a double shot of blackcurrent cordial. For those of you in a cheeky mood you may also want to try blackcurrent & apple.

Then add six measured shots of export strength vodka. Ideally this should be Smirnoff as it adds to the air of sophistication associated with the beverage.

Top the rest of the glass up with half a can of Strongbow cider. Make sure you use the canned stuff as it’s slightly stronger. You could also use a generic tramp-fuel cider such as White Lightning / Storm / Special / Spirit if you’re in a bed wetting mood.

Stir and enjoy.

INITIATION

Ok so you’re tanked, full of curry and ready to brawl, but how do you actually start a fight? Sure, you could always use the tried and tested method of the noble chav people, selecting a victim, making eye contact and then greeting him with the phrase “Whatch’yoo lookin’ at?”, but that hardly reeks of style now does it?

No. To be remembered as a decent fight, you have to be a bit more inventive. Some of histories greatestscuffles started under some very original circumstances. After all, world war one was started by a bloke with a sandwich.

To truly start a fight to remember you’re going to have to do something really memorable. Here’s a few methods you might want to try once you’ve scoped the place out.

THE DUNKER
Pick the loudest, mouthiest guy in the bar. There’s always one, the cocky jack the lad type who thinks he’s Gods gift to everything and isn’t afraid to announce it. Wait until he’s got a full or nearly full pint and is either busy chatting to his mates or even better, trying to chat up a bit of skirt. In one swift motion you need to get up from your seat, walk over, unzip your trousers and with a cheery smile, pop your scrotum into the top of his drink. If executed correctly this will also bring about the fabled shock silence as everyone tries to register what you’ve just done.

THE INDECENT PROPOSAL
Pick a couple where the guy looks particularly hot tempered. The best sort for this is the generic leather jacket wearing middle aged mob boss lookalike and trophy blonde found in many a South / East London boozer. Spend the next hour or so occasionally staring dreamily over at the guys wife / girlfriend, meeting her eyes with a shy smile and looking away quickly whenever he notices. This should visibly irritate the guy, eventually to the point where he looks like he’s about to boil over and go berserk at you. This is the point where you casually stand up and swagger over. With the smoothest of smooth looks on your face, tell him your into the old fashioned values of asking a father’s permission before acting, and while pointing at his wife / girlfriend, ask if you can have permission to cum in his daughter there.

OR ….

While pointing at the wife / girlfriend, tell him that too much masturbation has finally claimed your eyesight and ask him if you can borrow his guide dog to get you home.

THE DRAG TEST
Pick a seedy looking boozer, a local backroad type one in a run down area, or even better a working man’s social club, and arrive dressed up in a bad wig and the tartiest outfit you can find in Quality Seconds. It works even better if you haven’t shaved for a few days.

Enter, and announce that you’ve just broken up with your transgender life partner of three years and you’re looking for a nice man to share a weekend of wild abandonment with. You’ll have no problem getting in a brawl now, although you do also run the slight risk of ringburn should someone actually take you up on the offer.

MOONLIT MEETING
Pick the scariest looking guy in the bar and make eyes at him. After a while, walk over and ask shyly but at a volume so that the surrounding people can hear, “I’m sorry, but are you BigBoy69, the guy I was talking to on Yahoo the other day and met on the common last night for a bit of snakes & ladders? Its just I’ve come up in this rash around my fuzztunnel and the doctor says it’s highly infectious so you might wanna get yourself checked too.”

All you need to do now is brace yourself for impact.

Never under any circumstances step outside. If a guy asks you to step outside, inform him loudly that its probably because he and his gentleman friends wish to tag fuck you behind the bins.

Never throw the first punch. That way despite being the obvious arsehole in the picture for provoking the fight, you didn’t actually start it and thus can probably put 90% of what happens next down to self-defence.

THE ACTUAL FIGHT

OK, so if things have gone to plan you’re now throwing each other around the floor of the bar, people are shouting, glasses are smashing and women are screaming. Punches are being thrown back and forth, but for whatever reason it may be starting to go a bit pear shaped. Maybe he’s bigger than you, maybe he’s a better fighter, maybe his mates have joined in, whatever, the chances are that you’re not just going to lose the fight, but you’re going to end up getting your arse handed to you. Don’t panic though as not all hope is lost because it’s a simple fact that most men no matter how primitive they behave, generally tend to adhere to a set of unspoken morally right rules in a fight. But after all a fight is a fight, and you’re not exactly a moral man (why would you be on this site if you were) so why not break the rules a bit and catch your opponent off guard in the name of gaining the upper hand. Here’s a few suggestions.

BITING
It’s generally not acceptable in a brawl to have a nibble on your opponent, with the obvious exception of Mike Tyson, but if the guy’s got you in a headlock that’s so tight you start seeing a replay of the first time you saw boobs – it’s time to take action. Brace yourself and chomp down on the guy’s arm as hard as you can and hold it until the grip is released. Sure, everyone will immediately think that you’re either a dirty fighter, or into some really kinky stuff, but as the guy reels away clutching his arm you could voice a comment such as “Nope, that didn’t taste like chicken” or “Damn, he sure smelled like a kebab”. Little crowd pleasers like that can make all the difference in getting the audience back on your side and it’s the support of your audience that could be the deciding factor.

THE FAMILY JEWELS
Kicking another man in the balls is not the most dignified of things to do, and doesn’t make you any new friends either, but if a big guy that looks a bit like Arnie’s aggravated half brother is coming at you with the intention of tearing you a new hole if may be your only reasonable defence. When kicking however be careful to avoid sympathy pains, as these have also been responsible for many a fighter’s downfall.  Even the heartiest of crowds will quickly lose interest at the sight of two grown men cradling their spuds and crying on the floor.

THE AFTERMATH

You’ll find that the fight will end one of three ways.

You’ll wind up lying battered and broken on the pub floor or just outside on the pavement. In this case its probably best to spit out your broken teeth, ask if the other guy is ok and then feign unconsciousness until the ambulance arrives.

You’ll find your opponent suddenly isn’t getting up again. This is the time to leg it out the door. Don’t stand around trying to revel in your success, the law is probably on its way. Anyway remember it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about taking part.

The other scenario is that someone, usually the law, intervenes before a winner is decided.  In this case, its customary to have a shout about how unfair it is, and voice that “this wouldn’t happen in Vegas”, before making your merry way home.  If you should get arrested, enjoy the free room and board and use the time to plan your next scuffle, all the time wondering if you’ll end up on Street Wars.